Amanda's Secrets
by xMeganful
Summary: A horrific assault turns Amanda Rollins' life upside down, revealing the true reason she left Atlanta PD.
1. Chapter 1

**This chapter is graphic and may contain triggering material. I advise that sensitive readers should not read this story. Thank you for any and all views, reviews, favorites and follows.**

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><p><span>Detective Amanda Rollins<span>

_It all happened during an undercover operation gone wrong. I was in a short teal dress and had my hair in curls, making myself fit the profile of every victim so far to drag the latest rapists from the wind. Each rape happened at the back of a club called Blue Moments. All four of them were drugged, raped and left to die in an alleyway by two men. Fin was playing the dirty security guard at the backdoor, acting as my backup if I needed it. The plan was simple: get in, let the rapists come to me, then cuff 'em and get out. But with every plan, there's a flaw._

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><p>"No sign of them." I say into the microphone, which is located inside a small navy blue purse. My curled blonde hair hides my earpiece.<p>

"Got a possible suspect." Fin says, a moment later. I glance at him from across the room, where he stands near the backdoor of the club. Dressed in a black and white tuxedo with shades, it's a perfect disguise. I see him sneakily speak into his cuff, "White male, brown hair, tan jacket, brown pants. He's heading towards Amanda."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the suspect approaching me from my right. Turning in my seat back towards the bar, I smile at the bartender.

"Anything with alcohol, please, hun?" I tilt my head, adding to the stupid slightly-tipsy blonde girl act. The guy smiles at me back, giving me the glass filled with tinted blue liquid. Everything here is blue.

"Easy there, tiger." the suspect grins, sitting on the leather stall beside me. "It's still early."

Sipping the drink, I smile, "That's debatable. I'm Amanda."

"Pretty girl, pretty name. I'm Jack." he replies, drowning himself in the arrogant charm.

"Nice to meet you. Where's your girl?" I ask, sipping more of the minty alcoholic liquid. This stuff is kinda nice.

He laughs, "My girl? I'm here alone. What about you, huh? Pretty girl like you must be here with a boyfriend?"

I say, with stupid girly fake laugh, "No. I'm single."

My head suddenly begins to feel fuzzy and warning signs are going off in my head. Did the bartender drug me? Two people; the second guy was never figured out.

"Would you excuse me?" standing up, I have to lean on the bar for support. Looking up from the floor, I want to throw up. I stumble away from the bar, sinking into the crowd of people. Fin seems to be nowhere and my purse is no longer in my hand. Jack is following after me, then grabbing my arm to stop me from falling.

"Let's get some air." he smiles, and I know that kind of smile. It's the smile I've seen on every rapist's face for the last few years I've been at SVU. Jack leads me towards a backdoor we apparently didn't know about. My legs feel numb and my head is spinning.

I mumble, "Stop-" before feeling the earpiece being pulled from my ear.

"A cop? How delicious." the air is cold and my back is to a brick wall. I feel myself being violated and I feel hot tears running down my face. Each moment is a blur. After a warm liquid fills my insides, I drop to the cold hard ground. "Filthy whore."

My head begins to clear after he leaves. I fumble with small loose stones on the ground beneath my hand, doing anything to distract myself from what just happened.

"Amanda! It's Fin." I hear the familiar voice calling my name. He finds me in the dark alleyway beside the backdoor, and my stomach aches in shame. "Baby girl, I'm here." he speaks into his radio, "Liv, we need a bus. Alleyway outside the club. Amanda's been attacked."

"Hang in there Amanda." Liv replies over the radio.

"I'm sorry, Fin." I mumble, my throat dry. He takes off his jacket and places it over me.

"It's not your fault, Amanda. What happened?" he says gently.

I look away, not wanting to see his reaction. "The bartender drugged me and the suspect..."

"Okay." is all he replies. Fin knows what happened; how many times has he seen a woman in an alley with her panties around her ankles? Olivia jogs around the corner of the street and into the alleyway, crouching down beside me. Fin tells Sonny to arrest the suspect and the bartender, and I'm thankful he doesn't see me.

"Amanda," Liv murmurs, her hand gently touching my arm. I do my best not to flinch.

"Sargent, I-" I mumble.

"It's okay. I can take your statement later. But you need to get a rape kit done first." she says gently, and I know she's right. I nod numbly and stare at the ground until the ambulance arrives. It all happened during an undercover operation gone wrong.

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><p><span>Sargent Olivia Benson<br>

Slamming the interrogation room door shut behind me, I purse my lips.

"What exactly am I being accused of, Detective?" the suspect, Jackson Majors asks. He leans back on the chair, his arms crossed over his chest, grinning.

I place the first four victims photos on the table in front of him. "Rape, rape, rape and oh, rape."

"I've didn't rape four women." he hisses and I swallow my anger for the bastard.

Placing Amanda's photo on the table, I reply, "You're right; you raped five women. One of them being an SVU Detective, who you just happened to leave your DNA inside."

"That was consensual." he laughs.

"I think the drugs your buddy put inside her drink says otherwise. Who, by the way, is giving you up right now." I collect the photos from the table and turn towards the door, almost glad that the bastard doesn't want to make a statement. A.D.A Barba stands behind the glass, watching the suspect with pursed lips.

"What link have you got?" he asks and I stand beside him, watching Jackson Majors grinning to himself.

"We went over his house and found emails and letters between them talking about the first four rapes." I explain, "The bartender, Samuel Brickens, only just got out of Sing Sing for the rape of a fifteen year old."

He turns to me, concern written all over his face. "How's Amanda?"

"Rape kit turned up fluids and hairs. Fin's taking her home." I say. The whole department was devastated to hear that one of our own was raped. Times like this, you wish the death penalty was still legal.

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><p><em>"It's a life's journey of finding ourselves, finding our power, and living for yourself, not for everybody else."<em>

_-Mariska Hargitay_


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is graphic and may contain triggering material. I advise that sensitive readers should not read this story. Thank you for any and all views, reviews, favorites and follows.**

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><p><span>Detective Amanda Rollins<br>

Fin offered to take me home after I had done the rape kit, much to my relief. The thought of driving home alone was unnerving, despite the fact that he had assured me the bartender, Samuel Brickens, and Jackson "Jack" Majors had been arrested and at least for tonight, they'd be in a cell.

At my front door, the other detective says goodnight and turns to leave.

"Hey, Fin." I call to him. "Thanks."

He smiles before leaving, and I close the door. Frannie briefly greets me before going back to bed, accustomed to my odd hours from working at SVU. I find my way to my bathroom and strip off my clothes, climbing into the small shower and turning on the taps. I press my hands to the cold titles as warm water cascades down my body. Tears fill my eyes and I allow myself to sob quietly until my head is spinning. My phone ringing on a pile of my clothes on the floor makes me turn off the taps and climb out, wrapping the nearest towel I can find around me. The caller ID says it's Nick Amaro.

"Rollins." I answer, wiping the stray salty tears from my face.

"Amanda, I heard what happened. Are you alright?" he asks, his voice panicked and concerned.

"I'm fine, Nick. It was nothing." I assure him, though I barely believe it myself. Picking up the clothes Liv dropped off for me at the hospital, I carry them into my bedroom and dump them on top of a pile of dirty clothes. My clothes from the attack are now evidence, so I doubt I'll see them again, much to my relief.

"You were raped." he says and tears prick my eyes. "It's all over the news."

"What?" I ask, running into the other room and grabbing the TV remote. I turn on the news and a security tape of the attack is playing. "Oh god." tears stream down my face as I hang up.

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><p>My phone ringing awakes me. I find myself laying in my bed, my hair still damp and my duvet wrapped around me. Frannie lays at the end of the bed, her big brown eyes looking up at me.<p>

"Rollins." I answer, not even looking at the caller ID.

"Hey Amanda," Liv's voice comes from the other end of the line. I sit up and pull the duvet up to my chin. "Don't worry about coming in today. Take as much time as you need."

"I'm fine, Sarg." I say, my voice cracking at the memory of what happened last night.

After a moment, she asks, "Did you see the news last night?"

"Yeah." I mumble, gently running my hand over Frannie's tan skin.

"We didn't know about the security tapes. When we checked, there wasn't even a camera. We suspect there might be a third perp." she explains.

I ask, "Do the other girls know?"

"Yeah. They're coming in today to do IDs." she pauses for a moment. "Are you okay, Amanda?"

It takes a few seconds of silence before I finally respond, "Yeah. I'll be fine."

"-yeah? Okay. Amanda, we got a new lead. I'll talk to you later." Liv says, suddenly eager to hang up.

"Get the guy." I say, forcing myself to smile. She hangs up after a moment of silence. Turning to Frannie, I pat her back, "Guess it's just you and me for a few days."

When I shakily get to my feet, I look at my reflection in the full length mirror before me. Finger shaped bruises are on my abdomen and my face is red and blotchy. Turning from the mirror, I dress silently in a clean pair of jeans and a black tank top. Frannie follows at my heels into the kitchen, were I fill a large dog bowl with seven blue letters stuck on the side of it. Watching her eat the small pieces of dog food, a phone call forces me to holster my gun, grab my coat, keys and phone.

"I'll be back in an hour." I call to Frannie before leaving, pulling the door shut behind me.

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><p>Approaching a short blonde man at a white desk, I say, holding up my badge, "Detective Amanda Rollins to see Lieutenant Ed Tucker."<p>

I pass him my gun and he looks at me briefly, typing something on the computer in front of him. Handing me a name tag to prove I'm visiting the Internal Affairs Bureau, he replies, "Go ahead, Detective. Room I-06."

Walking through a rectangular scanner to check for concealed weapons or contraband, I walk down the corridors of the Rat Squad Bureau until I find interview room six, were the walls are mostly glass and Lt. Tucker sits inside. I open the door and he gestures for me to sit opposite him from a small white table. I sit and notice a camera pointed at me.

"Detective Rollins." he says, his voice hoarse. "You understand what this interview is about?"

"Yeah." I try to compose myself and steady my voice. He presses a button on the camera and a red light appears.

"You understand you may have an attorney present?" the Lieutenant leans forward, his eyebrows raised.

"I don't need one." I scowl, taking off my coat.

After a pause, he continues with his questions, "Detective, what happened before the alleged rape?"

My eyes flicker from the camera to the Lt. "I was undercover at a bar called Blue Moments. Detective Tuotola announced over the radio that a possible suspect was approaching me. He began a conversation about..." I pause for a moment, but I don't remember the conversation as well as I thought I did. "He told me his name was Jack. When I started drinking, I started to feel dizzy. There was a radio to my squad in a purse I had with me. I was walking away from the suspect and was too dazed to bring the purse with me. I believed the bartender had drugged me, and the suspect began leading me into an alleyway. I had no control over what was happening..." closing my eyes briefly, I remain silent.

After a while, Lt. Tucker asks, "Where were the other members of your squad during these events?"

I open my eyes and frown. Is he trying to dirty up my squad? "Detective Tuotola was at the backdoor of the club, but there was an unmarked one we didn't previously know about. Sargent Benson was in a car across the street on standby, and Detective Carisi was at the front door looking for possible suspects."

"What happened after you lost control?" he continues, his face not ever changing emotion.

Inhaling and exhaling slowly, I respond, "The suspect shoved me against a wall. He began...forcing himself inside me." biting the inside of my lip, I stare ahead at the white wall behind the Lt, doing anything to withhold tears. "I told him to stop."

Lt. Tucker turns off the camera and points it away from me. "IAB will be looking into your actions, but SVU still has the case." he says.

"Am I done?" I ask, craving another shower.

"You may leave, Detective Rollins. You're off the case, of course." I nod numbly and pull on my coat. Leaving the Rat Squad Bureau in silence, I collect my gun and drive towards the 16th precinct.

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><p><span>Sargent Olivia Benson<span>

The knock on the window pulls me from interrogation. Jackson Majors still won't say to anything other than he "had consensual sex with a blonde whore". We have a tape of the attack, we have the reports to prove Amanda was drugged, we have the reports to prove her injuries and we have the semen that _he_ put inside her. This case is bulletproof, but the defense could argue she's a dirty gambling and sex-addicted cop.

Closing the interrogation room door behind me, Sonny informs me that Amanda's here. I step into the squadroom to find Amanda and Fin quietly talking at his desk. I approach her and she turns to me, still rather jumpy.

"Hey," I say softly. "How are you holding up?"

"I just...I just came back from IAB." she replies slowly. "I'm going to have to testify, right?"

"Yeah...but we have a good case." I assure her, slightly concerned that IAB's already breathing down her neck. I anticipated that they'd be harassing us about every little breath we took last night, but I thought they'd start with her C.O.

"Has he been arraigned yet?" she asks, her eyes looking into mine.

"No." I admit. "He's in interrogation. He said it was consensual."

Sadness fills her. "You don't believe that, right?"

I shake my head. "I saw the security footage and I saw you in that alley. _I believe you."_

She smiles for the first time since the attack. It's a smile that looks damaged, weak, and wounded, but it's a smile that I've seen on every victim's face for the last two decades; it's the smile that means _she's going to be okay_. _In time._

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><p><em>"You've got to kick fear in the side, because the payoff is huge."<em>

_-Mariska Hargitay_


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter is graphic and may contain triggering material. I advise that sensitive readers should not read this story. Thank you for any and all views, reviews, favorites and follows.**

**I really tried to nail each character in this chapter. Let me know what you think. Also, the cover photo is a screenshot from the end of 'Rapist Anonymous'.  
><strong>

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><p><span>Detective Amanda Rollins<span>

_I feel the cold rush of air, a small late autumn breeze blowing by. The ground is hard under me, my head is fuzzy._

_"Let's get some air."_

_My hands find my gun in belt. I hear the click of the safety but I can't see my target._

"Amanda," I know that voice.

I open my eyes to see Fin at the end of my gun. The area around me is open; we must be on a roof.

"Amanda, put the gun down." he says slowly, a certain kind of fear in his eyes. My hands shake with anxiety.

Letting the gun drop to the floor, I mumble, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Amanda." he takes my gun and embraces me. "You're okay. Let's go back inside."

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><p><span>Sargent Olivia Benson<br>

"Liv," I hear Fin call me from the corridor. "We need to talk. It's Amanda."

The last I heard he was taking her up to the roof for some fresh air. I slow down to let him catch up to me. "Where is she?"

"I took her home." he pauses, "I had to take her gun."

"PTSD?" I ask, remembering the time I once held a suspect at gunpoint. _The glassy look in her eye._

"Yeah." he confirms as we walk into the squad room. "Flashbacks. She put her gun on me."

I stop in my tracks and look at him with raised eyebrows. It's almost unheard of for a cop to turn on their partner. I've never turned on Elliot or Nick, but I've turned on Brian before. A frown is the only response I can muster.

"Liv!" I turn towards the voice, were I see Nick. It's odd to see him in uniform.

"Hey," I smile, approaching him. The last time we spoke was a month after he was demoted. "How's the new job going?"

"Got a rookie for a partner." he replies, though he seems anxious. "Where's Amanda?"

"She's at home. PTSD." I explain. He turns back towards the corridor.

"Thanks, Liv, Fin." he says before disappearing.

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><p><span>Detective Amanda Rollins<br>

I bolt the door shut behind me and sink down on the sofa. Every part of me wants to climb in the shower and wash away the memories_. _The memories of Jack and the memories of _him_. No cop turns on their partner unless they have a _real__ good reason to_.

It was three years ago; I could still press charges against him. I think about it until a knock at the door brings me to my senses.

"Amanda, it's Nick." he says, tapping on the door. I force myself to my feet and unbolt the door, half-smiling at the dark haired man before me. "Hey. Can I come in?"

"I dunno, Nick. It's been a rough day and..." my mind is still foggy. Concern fills his expression. "Frannie's keepin' me company. I'm fine, really."

"Liv told me you've got PTSD." he says, setting his jaw. "That doesn't seem like _fine_ to me."

"I don't need someone babysittin' me." I remark. "I'm a big girl."

He leans in closer and lowers his voice. "You were raped, Amanda."

Swallowing, I reply, "I can handle it."

For a while, he just looks at me. His eyes study my face silently, until eventually he asks, "Is that why you left Atlanta?"

"Why what?" I ask, avoiding the question.

"Something happened and you couldn't face it."

"What happened in Atlanta isn't your business." I snap. "Just because you got yourself put in Traffic doesn't mean you can go throwing accusations around, lookin' for any excuse to get back into SVU."

"I'm not. Something happened in Atlanta, didn't there?." he insists. I shake my head.

"Nothing happened, Nick. Drop it." pushing the door shut, he wedges his foot between the door and the door frame. He pushes the door back open and steps further inside.

"Something happened that you're not telling me." tears prick my eyes. "Who was it, Amanda?"

I turn and sit numbly back down on the sofa. He isn't going to leave, and if he does, he'll just get the squad suspicious whilst digging up my past.

"Who was it?" he persists.

"My old partner."

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><p><span>Officer Nick Amaro<span>

"Detective Riley Jamison. LAPD for five years, ACPD for ten. Amanda was partnered with him for seven months before she transferred to NYPD." Liv says, his file in her hands. Looking at the board, I see Amanda's, the two suspects and her old partner's mugshot. Under each mugshot is their name and link to the case. I never thought I'd see the word _vic_ under Amanda's name.

"Right." I agree. "But there's been a couple of complaints about sexual harassment from his other partners. They were all dropped the next day."

"Talk to his old partners. Did Amanda tell anyone else about it _at the time_?" Liv asks, but nobody replies. "What have we got on Jamison besides the accusations?"

"Are you saying you don't believe her?" I raise my eyebrows at my former C.O.

She turns to me, frustrated and exhausted, "Nobody's saying that, Nick. We just need a strong case. I want you on this one, so don't give me a reason to take you off."

"Yes, Sargent." I say, exhaling slowly. Olivia had spoken to my C.O a few hours ago and convinced him to let me assist her case, saying she needed more bodies. Traffic has plenty of cops, but SVU is always short staffed. Most people become too emotional to handle rape cases everyday, let alone when it's a kid; each case is more messed up than the last, but someone has to get these people justice.

"I'll talk to the old partners." someone says from behind me. I turn and look at the brunette guy before me.

"Officer Amaro, this is Detective Carisi." Liv says, gesturing to the brunette guy. So _he's _my replacement.

"Hi. Just, call me Sonny." Carisi smiles and I already dislike the guy.

"Hey." I say briefly, before turning back to the board. "I'll see if Amanda told anyone in Atlanta."

"Nick," Liv cuts in. "I'll talk to her. You go with Sonny."

I scowl, not wanting to be stuck with another rookie.

"Let's go." Sonny grabs his coat and heads towards the elevator. I reluctantly follow. "What was your name again?"

I exhale slowly. "Amaro."

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><p><em>"I'll say it one last time: be brave."<em>

_Veronica Roth_


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter is graphic and may contain triggering material. I advise that sensitive readers should not read this story. Thank you for any and all views, reviews, favorites and follows.**

**A bit of a short one, but it's a week night.**

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><p><span>Sargent Olivia Benson<br>

The door slightly opens after a moment. I see Amanda wiping her cheeks, her eyes watering.

"Sorry." she mumbles, pulling the door open. "It's-"

"I know." I assure her, stepping inside her apartment. Shutting the door behind me, Frannie happily greets me. "Hey, girl."

"She's been great." Amanda half-smiles. "I guess she just knows." her voice cracks, and I know this really _isn't _easy for her. I still remember my PTSD days of flashbacks, no sleep and tears. "Have you...spoken to Nick?"

"Yeah." I nod, and her eyes sadden. I know the thought of your squad knowing horrific details about your assault is terrifying. _What I'm afraid of is walking into my squad room and having everybody look at me and wonder if I'm okay._

"Can you arrest him yet?" she asks with apprehension.

"Not yet." I admit, following her towards a sofa. She sits down slowly, hanging on to each word I say. "Did you tell anyone in Atlanta?"

"Uh..." she stutters for a moment, staring down at her hands, and I sit beside her. "Yeah. My Captain."

"There's nothing in his file about a complaint from you." I say, raising an eyebrow. Was her Captain dirty too?

Her eyes meet mine, "_From me_? There were others?"

"Yeah." I sigh. "Two other of his previous partners said he had gotten handsy."

After a moment, she continues, "I told him to keep it off the books. He said he'd talk to Riley, but it continued."

Lowering my voice, I ask, "How long was it going on for?"

She forces a smile and says, "Three months. I told my Captain after a couple _weeks_, but Riley talked him out of telling IAB." her glassy eyes look into my watering ones. "He acted as if I wanted it...because my body _reacted_."

"You had orgasms." I clarify and she nods in response, wiping the tears from her tear stained face. "Did he ever give you an STD or STI?"

She pauses a moment. "Yeah. He gave me Chlamydia once." she admits. "You can check with the ER."

"Okay." I say gently. "I'm not gonna let either of them get away with it. Barba is having a field day with the evidence on Majors." she smiles for a moment, still battling the falling tears. "They'll never see the light again."

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><p><span>Detective Amanda Rollins<span>

"What were you doing at the club, Blue Moments?" A.D.A Barba begins his line of questioning. He turns to were the jury would be, facing away from me. My hands are already shaking and this is only _preparation_. Olivia assured me that they were working to charge Jamison too, but for now I should worry about the upcoming trial.

"I was undercover to catch two rapists in the act. The suspect we had in custody that day wasn't giving up his accomplice, so we decided to catch them in the act. I fit the victim's profile so I had backup on standby." I respond, my voice slow but steady.

He continues, "What happened in the club?"

"Detective Tuotola radioed me to say that the suspect was approaching me." I say, pressing my hands onto my jeans. "I ordered a drink at the bar. The suspect sat beside me and said his name was Jack. When the drink began to make me feel dizzy, I tried to locate Detective Tuotola. The suspect followed me and lead me through a backdoor of the club we didn't know about. I was no longer in control."

"What happened next?" Barba turns to me, his expression saddened. _He_ _knows what happened next._

"He shoved me against a wall-I told him to stop. He wouldn't...wouldn't listen." I press my eyelids shut, breathing deeply.

"Do you need a minute?" his voice is gentler than usual. I shake my head.

"No, no, I- I just need to get this trial over with." I admit, opening my eyes.

Barba frowns, "The defense attorney is going to make you look like a dirty cop. Claim you're uncredible or bring up your gambling addiction."

"I know." I say, frustrated. "Can we continue?" he nods briefly and I steady my breathing. "He shoved me against the wall and I told him to stop_._ _I felt him inside me_ and I felt him _ejaculate_. He called me a filthy whore and left."

"Thank you, Detective." he says and I step down from the stand. "We have a good case." he assures me and I half-smile, knowing that there's a good chance this guy will pay for what he did to me. "And I spoke to Benson. You'll have to testify against Jamison too."

Sucking in a breath, I reply, "I know."

Barba's phone buzzes and he answers it, "A.D.A Barba. Yeah. What evidence have we got? Mmm. That's enough; you've got your warrant. Go pick him up." he hangs up and smiles.

"They picking Jamison up?" I ask, both anxious and relieved. He nods in response, and I feel almost _happy_.

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><p><em>"It's not your fault. What happened to you doesn't make you a monster."<br>_

_Olivia Benson_


	5. Chapter 5

**This chapter is _very_ graphic and may contain triggering material. I advise that sensitive readers should not read this story. Thank you for any and all views, reviews, favorites and follows.**

**You requested more detailed and emotional scenes, so don't blame me if you cry.**

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><p><span>Detective Amanda Rollins<br>

_Feeling the wall impact my spine, I hazily whimper. It crumbles beneath my hands as I paw at the disintegrating bricks and cement, desperately trying to compose myself. The drugs flow in my bloodstream, stealing my every coherent thought._

_"A cop..." his eyes feel like a mist around me, enveloping me in a fate filled with dread. Warm air rushes over my face, scented like mint.  
><em>

_A tongue flickers from his mouth, dampening his chapped lips. "How delicious." _

_Hands briefly grip my breasts, soon traveling south and pausing at the hem of my dress. A late Autumn breeze blows by, skimming my thighs as the teal material is pushed aside, fingers beginning to roam the newly discovered skin. My mind internally screams for an explanation I can't provide.  
><em>

_After a moment of terrified anticipation, the violation begins, forcing my body to react in a way I don't condone. A forced pleasure begins washing over me, coercing whimpers from my mouth. The violation becomes larger and faster, discomfort and humiliation not beginning to describe the nightmare.  
><em>

_The nightmare._

Beads of sweat roll down my forehead, my body remaining paralyzed in fear as salty tears dampen my face and pillow. Gradually, I force myself to my feet and into the bathroom. Sickness fills my gut as my last meal reappears, turning from warm pasta into a pastel yellow and lumpy mixture in the toilet.

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><p><span>Sargent Olivia Benson<span>

Sleep has never been easily achievable since I began working as Special Victims Unit Detective two decades ago. People like Lowell Harris and William Lewis slither into your mind, destroying any chance of decent sleep, so you eventually give up. Looking down at Detective Riley Jamison's file, the printed black letters on the paper become almost unreadable, my eyes mixing colours together as fatigue takes control of my body. I set down his file and pull the dark blanket to my neck, closing my eyes until sleep nearly consumes me. The buzzing of my phone brings me to my senses.

"Benson." I answer, my body complaining at the lack of sleep and sudden movements combined.

"Hey. Fin said you were doing O.T." objects move in the background as my brain identifies the caller. Her breathing is labored and rain thunders down.

Sitting up, I frown, "Amanda, where are you?"

"I-uh," she stutters as cars noisily drive past. "I'm on fifth and seventh." she responds slowly, which is a few blocks away from her apartment. "I...took Frannie for a walk and-uh got lost." her lying ability while drunk noticeably decreases.

"Stay put. I'm on my way." I instruct, pushing aside the blanket and holstering my gun. After she hangs up, I grab my coat and bustle out of the apartment, barely remembering to clip my shield to my belt.

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><p>Pulling up on fifth and seventh with my lights of bright, I discover the blonde detective sitting on the damp curb outside a small bar. Her hair and clothes and soaked in rainwater, her face pale.<p>

Pushing open the car door, she unsteadily approaches me. "Liv, it's not...what you might be thinking."

"I see an SVU detective drunk on a public sidewalk, Amanda." I sigh, the rain continuing to pelt down on us.

"Liv," she leans her weight onto the car, trying to maintain her balance. "My partner raped me and-" he breath catches, and she shakes her head. "I can't testify."

"You can. What you can't do is give him that power and control over you." the darkness prevents me from seeing her face, but I know the tears are there. Looking down at the water puddling on the concrete street below me, I continue, "When I took Lewis to trial, I was so afraid that it'd destroy me. I've always told victims that they'll regret not taking their attacker to trail more than if they did, but until you go through it yourself...until you take your own attacker to trial, until you have to tell everyone _every single_ degrading thing he did to you..." I pause, suppressing tears. "But this is your chance to get justice for yourself, and who knows how many other women that haven't come forward. Don't be the reason that bastard walked."

She silently pulls herself into the passenger seat and I sit beside her. Shoving the car key into the keyhole, the engine audibly begins running. I notice the smell of alcohol lurking around her. "How much did you drink?"

"Two." her eyes close briefly, probably her attempt to sober up. "Maybe six." her hand goes to her scalp, were I notice strands of blonde hair dampened with rainwater and wet blood.

"Okay Amanda, let's get you to a hospital." as I begin to drive down the street, I see her hand quickly drop and her head rest again the car window from the corner of my eye. "Amanda." I call to her, but she remains silent and lifeless. Pulling the car aside the road, I rummage in my coat pocket for my phone.

"911 emergency services." a woman answers, and my fingers pressed to Amanda's neck find a slow pulse.

"This is Detective Olivia Benson, Manhattan Special Victims, badge number four-oh-one-five." I announce, "Fifth and seventh. Officer down. Scalp laceration with possible alcohol poisoning."

"Liv," Amanda murmurs, her eyes moving behind her eyelids. Her breathing becomes shallow.

Lowering my voice, I assure her softly, "I'm here, Amanda. Hang in there." her lips press back together, and I know she's faded out again.

"An ambulance is on the way, Detective." the operator says calmly, her voice steady. She must get this call a hundred times a day. "Is the officer conscious?"

"No." I respond. "She's got a slow pulse." a feel the beats against my fingertips, nerves filling me as I wait for the next. Her skin is cold and soaked with rainwater. "Possible hypothermia." pulling off my coat, I place it over her body.

"Keep her as warm as possible until EMTs arrive." she instructs, but I already know. Turning on the heater in the car, Amanda begins to regain consciousness.

"What's goin' on?" she asks, sleepily blinking, her eyes dazed. Sirens in the distance become louder as they approach us.

Beginning to get out of the car, I say softly, "Amanda, it's Olivia. Just don't move, okay?" the red and blue flashing lights become visible. Holding my shield for the ambulance driver to see, they pull over on the curb in front of my car. Two men and a woman exit the vehicle and approach the car. "Detective Benson." pointing to the passenger side, I continue, "Detective Rollins. She called me down here ten minutes ago. She's barely conscious."

An EMT slowly pulls open the passenger side door and barely catches her before she falls onto the curb, once again fallen unconscious. They lift her onto a stretcher and get her into the ambulance, Amanda barely awake and not responding. On the drive to the hospital, she keeps a limp grip of my hand.

"Hang in there, Amanda."

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><p><em>"You were strong enough to get this far. You are strong enough to keep going."<em>

_Unknown_


	6. Chapter 6

**This chapter is graphic and may contain triggering material. I advise that sensitive readers should not read this story. Thank you for any and all views, reviews, favorites and follows.**

**I would like to note that while I don't personally ship Amanda with anyone, I'm gonna ship her with whoever is most voted for. Leave your vote in either a review or PM! :)**

**It's update's taken a while because I write as I go along. The story starts with a scene idea and turns into whatever I can think of, so I'm just kinda winging it the whole way. Bare with me, guys.**

***This has been slightly edited since it was upload.***

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><p><span>Sargent Olivia Benson<br>

In the hospital's waiting room, I notify the rest of my squad, including Amaro. Concern fills each voice as I give them the news about their drunken colleague. Amanda's problems had always revolved around gambling, bets and debts, but never drinking. The thought of notifying Cragen had occurred to me, given he was a past alcoholic, but I decided against it. IAB will soon begin to breathe down our necks anyway.

"Detective Benson?" Doctor Kalisi calls from the doorway, a clipboard clutched in her hands. She's a doctor I know from years of working as an officer of the law. Approaching her, I frown, apprehension and nerves filling my gut. She assures me, "I want to keep her overnight for observation, but considering this is her first time, she'll make a full recover."

"Alcohol poisoning?" I ask anxiously. She nods in response.

"Her blood alcohol level was .43." Kalisi admits. I nod, both in relief and disappointment. Victims often turn to drugs or alcohol after they were raped, but Amanda seemed more on the PTSD side than the self-harming side. "She's in room twenty-eight."

"Thank you." I nod, starting down the corridor. When I find the door with the silver numbers _28_, I peer through the glass. I barely recognize the blonde in the thin hospital gown with a needle in her arm, attaching her to an IV bag. She turns when the door opens. "Hey, Amanda." I approach her slowly, my voice calm and steady.

"They takin' my shield?" she asks agitatedly, the skin beneath her eyes darkened with exhaustion.

Pursing my lips, I respond, "You're suspended until IAB clears you. Considering the circumstances, they'll want a psychiatric evaluation."

She remains silent for a moment, a million thoughts probably filling her mind. "Copy that, Sargent." she murmurs. The ringing of my phone brings my attention away from the detective.

Turning away from Amanda, I answer tensely, "Benson." and a warm familiar voice fills my ears; a voice I haven't heard for months but I know from decades of listening to his ridiculous conspiracies.

"Sargent Benson, I come baring good news." I suppress the urge to grin at his words, since an alcohol-poisoned detective is a meter away. He's always had a talent for changing a tense atmosphere into a lighthearted one.

"John." I respond, caught of guard. I've been so anxious, apprehending a call from IAB, that I forgot how quickly word spreads. "Big Brother really _is _watching. How are you?"

"Fine. But how's Amanda?" his worried face fills my mind, one that I've received myself so many times.

"The doctor says she'll be okay." I inform the former SVU Sargent, intrigued by his announcement of good news. SVU has lacked good news lately, so we could really do with some. "IAB are out for blood."

"Ah, the Rat Squad." he comments. His tone changes to excitement, the kind of excitement I know means he has something of use. "You'll love me; I come baring evidence for the case against Jamison."

I raise my eyebrows, remembering his position in another unit after his retirement from SVU. "Cold Case turn up another vic?"

"Not quite." he admits. "But I found a case with DNA-covered panties and a witness from 2011. Detectives couldn't find a vic, so it turned cold." his explanation continues and I listen closely. "They originally ran the DNA against convicts, no hits. I got Warner to run it again."

"Any hits?" I ask. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Amanda watching me, as intrigued as me about the phone call from Sargent Munch.

"Two; Jamison's sperm and Amanda's blood." his voice trails off, and each word begins to sink in. Releasing a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding, I feel my gut wrench. _Amanda's blood_.

I respond, "Thanks, John. I'll call you back later."

"Hang in there, Liv." he uses a tone filled with sorrow, and the line goes dead. Fiddling with the phone in my hands, I turn to the blonde detective.

"You find another vic?" she asks apprehensively. The thought of her rapist abusing other women must be terrifying.

"No, but Cold Case has a pair of panties with your blood and Jamison's sperm. They ran it against convicts in 2011, but nobody ran it against law enforcement until now." I explain, and her eyes continue to watch me intently; watching my body language and listening to my tone, trying to decipher if _this_ is the truth. I approach her bedside slowly.

"February...I remember that." she says slowly, her breath catching. "He pinned me to a wall and...my ankle cut on glass. A woman screamed when she saw us and called the cops." she pauses, tears threatening to spill from her eyes, "He raped me in the car instead. Told me not to scream."

I've always dreaded the day when I'd hear those words come from my friend's mouth. My friend who doesn't deserve to have suffered that, but _nobody __deserves to suffer that_, regardless of their personality or past. Over the years I've learnt that there isn't a _type _of person to be raped or abused; everyone has their demons and some are more devastating than others. But I also know, from working with rape victims for over two decades, that unless _you give up on yourself_, you'll be survive the recovery. Though I've had my fair share of men and women who've slashed their wrists or stood on the edge of a twenty-story building, I've learnt that even if you _do _give up on yourself, there is always someone who _hasn't_. Amanda's safety net is me, and her partner, her squad and the entire department, because we haven't given up and we _won't. _So despite what she's suffered, despite what she's been forced to endure in the hands of a brother officer, she will be okay. She will survive the recovery. I know she will.

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><p><em>"What if we can help a survivor move from beyond simply surviving to fully reclaiming their lives?"<em>

_Mariska Hargitay_


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